In the past 48 hours, I have been part of two separate conversations on the theme of ‘taking for granted’.

In one, a friend shared how, after many years, she told off her uncle when he took her availability for hospital duties for granted and instructed her to be available when his wife checks into hospital for surgery the following week. He didn’t assume a caregiving role for himself, or his adult daughter staying with him and didn’t care to check if his niece (my friend) had time and was willing. My friend had been a helpful soul in the past, often at great personal cost and inconvenience. 

In the other exchange, another friend expressed mixed feelings. She wondered if being offended or having reservations when taken for granted, making requests and saying ‘thank yous’ routinely is a function of culture, and more specifically, of ‘Western’ culture, informed by ideas of formality, privacy, and individualism. She, an Indian, said that there are contexts where being taken for granted is even desirable.

This set me thinking. In what contexts is being taken for granted acceptable or desirable? When does it become problematic?

A soldier on the frontline takes for granted that his commanding officer will go to great lengths to protect his life and not put him in harm’s way. A commando out on a dangerous mission takes for granted that his unit colleagues will cover for him, and act as trained to do – all for one, one for all. In this ‘taking for granted’, there are mutual (reciprocal?) expectations, implicit trust, and bonds built around hierarchy and camaraderie.

In team sports such as basketball, players thrown together for extended periods in training, on the court, and in the locker room, are known to ‘sense’ where each one is when the game is on and pass the ball to a teammate, taking for granted that the pass will be received even when no words are exchanged or when the other is not in the line of sight.

At work too, bosses and team members often take for granted how they will respond to situations and each other, conditioned by some or all of these: habit, an awareness of roles, power and authority relationships, a shared purpose, and values. Organisations that are more like networks are likely to demonstrate a ‘taking for granted’ attitude among members, that is based on negotiated expectations and an appreciation of differing expertise. In formal settings, personal familiarity / rapport may not be as significant as how relative power equations are construed. Even so, clannish organisations with a context of dependency and with paternalistic leadership behaviours will have a different quality of ‘taking for granted’ compared to organisations that are regimented and hierarchical. 

Relationships where permissions and thank yous are neither sought nor expected are noteworthy. Indeed, such formal rituals are frowned upon and one’s hesitation is seen as a measure of interpersonal distance that is yet to be bridged. This is common in the traditional Indian familial context.  A level of taking for granted is projected as a signifier of close ties and sanctioned by custom / ways of living. In intimate relationships, ‘taking for granted’ is often viewed as a sign of sign of deep, intimate connection where boundaries are fluid by consent and there is deep trust, transparency and mutual acceptance; explicit permissions and acknowledgements are perhaps not needed, defensiveness and explaining oneself takes away from the moment. In fact, taking for granted in such a relationship signals love, uncritical acceptance, and being valued – an expansion of space rather than constriction. It feeds on itself rather than breed resentment or a sense of transgression. Something to work towards. Yes?

When is taking someone for granted problematic? I believe it is so when the individual’s personhood is denied but their products and outputs are desired. That is, when their needs, wants, desires, angst, apprehensions, aspirations, and core distinctiveness are deemed inconsequential and relegated, rendered invisible by social / familial mores, crushed by the forces of domination and aggrandizement, and diminished to just being a role. They feel unwholesome when their value is extracted, feelings aren’t reciprocated, and where acquiescence is assumed – views and feelings don’t matter. As if they, a living human being with volition, don’t exist.

Image: Mohan Ranganathan