On this day, last year, the print edition of my book Journeying Through a Void: Life After MH370 was released. The book was Kanishka Gupta’s idea. I admire his unflinching faith, persistence, and steady support during the entire process leading up to the book’s publication and promotion.

Very many have read the book and have spoken or written to me with messages of congratulations, appreciation, deep resonance, solidarity, and love. They spoke of a renewed connection to MH370 and a new lens to view developments. Some went on to review and/or recommend the book on social media. Many, following emotional conversations and stirred feelings after reading the book promised to share reviews and ‘spread the word’. I am pleasantly surprised when I unexpectedly bump into people who have read the book and start discussing it with me. It is nice to see the book in the odd bookstore rubbing shoulders with celebrated authors’ work.

From being somewhat ambivalent about personally promoting the book, I have come to see that it serves a useful purpose: reminding people that one of the world’s safest planes, a large Boeing 777 is still missing, 239 people are presumed dead, hundreds of families struggle to grieve and move on, and safety threats to civil aviation loom.

One of the dailies in the Middle East wanted to do a piece on the book last year and sent me a set of questions. I received them when on a trek in the Himalayas and responded over phone from there. It was quite an effort doing this via smartphone. I don’t think it was published. As an experience it was useful. The interview is reproduced here…

Was the very act of writing this book cathartic?

I found writing very helpful in attempting to make sense of what is going on in my inner world. It was often when I wrote that I could express how I felt. In that sense, one might say that writing was cathartic. Even before the book. I had been writing from time to time, triggered by developments in the search for MH370.

I reckon, that more than cathartic, writing the book helped me gain perspective – with respect to my own coping, the prospects for the search for MH370, the issues in forging an alliance of affected families, the notion of closure, the role of public opinion… I could go on. The book was an opportunity to speak as an affected party and as an observer – personal, and also with the benefit of distance that the months gone by after MH370 disappeared afforded.

Void is an integral part of the personal narrative. How have you come to terms with that?

I am not sure I have entirely come to terms with the void created by the loss of my wife. I draw some comfort from the knowledge that I have lost near and dear ones in the past too, and have nonetheless carried on and crafted a life. Over time, I guess one learns to befriend the void, carry it around. It weighs heavy sometimes, and at other times is fleeting, floating. It pops up as an ache, triggers a longing, lingers…

Memory, habit, expectations, routines… accumulated over years of a life lived together intensifies the feeling of the void.

I believe a void also holds the seed of new possibilities. I see that the new can emerge when I can be free from self-indulgent nostalgia, and make conscious departures from familiar ways that are no longer relevant in the changed circumstances. That is a big ask and I am no closer to managing this. But I haven’t given up on myself yet.

How does an incident as inconclusive as the disappearance of MH370 impact families? How did it impact you, your mother and Meghna as individuals? Under such circumstances, what does closure mean to you?

In death there is finality. But in an event like MH370, death is a presumption. You don’t know a date, time or manner in which a loss of life occurred. When does a family member give up all expectation that their loved one will return? What can help this decision? Logic, reason, pronouncements from authorities? In the present instance, the facts and the conclusions on the fate of the aircraft and passengers are far from settled. So the decision to give up on a family member’s return and move on is according to me a personal decision – a tough, bruising and emotionally wrecking decision. Not all family members of MH370 passengers till date want to come to this decision, in their hearts.

As the weeks stretched after MH370 vanished, it became evident that there was going to be no happy ending. My mother retreated to her prayers and for a while hung on to the possibility of a miracle. Meghna hurt, but I guess allowed her college routines to contain her sense of confusion, loss and grief. I tried hard to manage a functional facade, but reckoned with the emotional toll rather late. Over time I became preoccupied with the search for answers. Knowing what happened seemed an essential component of letting go.

Closure to me in the present instance means making peace with saying “goodbye”, without guilt. It is also coming to terms with the possibility that we may never know what really happened to MH370. The latter is a hard one to accept.

In day to day conversations, it is still not possible to say, ‘My wife died in the MH370 (crash?)’. It is easier to say ,‘We lost her with MH370’, (which is technically correct) for instance. When an official document lists my status as ‘Widower’, I can do nothing more than just stare and take it in.

In your endeavour to raise awareness on the systemic flaws that lead to such incidents, what has been the biggest revelation?

I see too much public attention lavished on Security and Amenities. Being very visible, they are easy to create the impact and improvement. Aviation Safety encompasses a wide range of institutions, manufacturers, maintenance, training of personnel… Safety is invisible, and is widely assumed away.

Further, statistics such as incidents per million passenger miles are used to buttress the argument about how safe civil aviation is. This creates an illusion of ‘all is well’, lulls people from asking tough questions, holding authorities accountable, and staying engaged with safety related issues.

It is also apparent that at the international level, Conventions (such as the Montreal Convention) intended to be enabling equally serve as rationale to do the minimum rather than what is just, and for the greater good.

Opacity of authorities in sharing information, treating the affected families as incidental and an afterthought rather than as a stakeholder in the search and investigation (this in spite of international provisions on handling of families) came as a shocker. I also gathered that there is very little by way of international audit, superintendence, censure, or accountability that is systemically mandated in relation to an investigation. Under the circumstances, well-intentioned geopolitical influence and public vigilance are vital for the integrity of the Investigation. I have also heard it said by many (people in the aviation business) over the last three years that behind what is presented as a neatly packaged television feature on an air incident, there are cover ups and compromise, that involve investigators, manufacturers, aviation infrastructure management, and other entities who may bear liability.

So, it is hard to pick one revelation!

You talk about the attempts to heal. For example, taking vacation with your daughter. Did such attempts bring you together in your shared grief? (Can you please add any more anecdotes that may not be in the book?)

As a family, we are not overtly expressive with each other. While we refer to feelings, we seldom dwell on them in conversation.

My daughter, on returning from Delhi after completing college, has seen more closely my engagement with other MH families and the Press. She has taken more interest in following the pace and progress of the search. We discuss these from time to time. She traveled with me this year to Kuala Lumpur earlier this year for the 3-year Remembrance event. It brought us together with MH families from China, Australia, and Malaysia. We saw that the struggle to move on was widespread.

Our togetherness is these days invested in through our daily long walk (and talk), and the time together on her options for advanced studies, and life choices. It is my opportunity to discover what it means to be a parent afresh.

What has been the single biggest challenge for you while following up on the MH370 case?

I guess it has to do with staying on it without becoming obsessed.

I can’t count many in India who have a continuing interest in the fate of the search and investigation. It sometimes feels like digging a lonely furrow. I am convinced that MH370 will not be given an abrupt burial only as long as the public and the Press stays involved. How best to convince people that there is more at stake for them, and that it is not just about closure for families – this remains an ongoing challenge.

You also write about the support groups formed Voice370 and Reward370. What have your experiences been with them?

Voice370 is the Family Association of MH370 passengers’ families and continues to speak on behalf of the families. Reward370 in the other hand was a specific campaign to crowdfund and offer a reward for information on MH370 whereabouts initiated by a few families in 2014.

The Reward370 campaign was disappointing for a variety of reasons that I discuss in the book.

The Voice370 experience has been educative. How do we engage affected families from different countries, diverse languages and cultures, multiple time zones, dialogue, converge and act in concert? This has been a challenge. We have over time, engaged through the many options that telecom and Internet offers. In many instances, there is much familiarity and ease among members without ever having met face to face. The common glue of a shared experience of loss and a quest for the truth suffices to sustain a common platform.

Not everyone is active at all times. One keeps in mind that each one is at different stages of coming to terms with their loss and grief, and have their own priorities as they stitch together a new basis of living. Furthermore, given insufficient information in MH370, and in the absence of credible conclusions, members possibly have their own judgements about what may have happened, and what needs to be done, and who needs to do more. In spite of these realities, Voice370 remains a potent experience, a credible voice.

Much has happened on the MH370 front since the manuscript traveled to the printer, early April 2017. Another round of search was finalised by Malaysia through an American company called Ocean Infinity on a ‘no find, no fee’ basis. After searching over 100,000 sq kms. of the Southern Indian Ocean in a very short span during January-May 2018 (a size that Fugro took three years to scan between 2014-2017), Ocean Infinity was rich with ocean data, experience and new orders. The families were left with no find, and no answers. The new Government in Malaysia, contrary to expectations, hasn’t been enthusiastic about searching on. A final report from the Investigation team is expected in July 2018 with the promise of transparency and full disclosure. It remains to be seen whether it has anything new and significant to offer, whether it creates new wounds and raises fresh questions.

This post originally appeared on my Facebook page.

‘Journeying Through A Void: Life After MH370’ is available on Amazon.