Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Søren Kierkegaard (1843)

Our feelings contain (and conceal) immense wisdom. They mirror our inner world. They are simultaneously packets of energy and bearers of significant insights to those who pay heed. Sadly, many organisations celebrate our intellect and rationality and ask us to leave our emotional being at the door. Over time, we end up over-invested in our rational-analytical selves and end up alienated from our feelings, our very source of aliveness. We also develop feelings about feelings, holding some as legitimate and shareable, while others are seen as undesirable, and must therefore be withheld. Self-reflection, being not just a cerebral process, asks us to enter the inner world of feelings, however alien and daunting it may seem.

Those ‘between’ jobs or have lost one and are yet to land another could benefit from self-refection. It could shed light on salient learning, competencies and fresh perspectives gained from a tenure just concluded—how has one grown as a person and as a professional? It could offer guidance on what could be done differently at the next station in one’s professional journey for a different and more fulfilling experience. Exploring the patterns of feelings-thoughts-actions are an inevitable core of self-reflection, and the world of feelings is a good place to begin.

Triggers

Here are some commonplace examples of what one might discover about one’s assumptions and beliefs, and perhaps some opportunities missed, as we look back and ask some questions: 

Q. What are some untold stories about the things I did and felt proud of, but didn’t share or acknowledge, even to myself?

As we look back, perhaps there is rising elation once more, and sadness. A deep sigh. As we proceed further, we may come across messages we have received from the environment that have turned into governing rules for the self. For instance,

• Pride comes before a fall.
• I should be humble. I must not blow my own trumpet.
• It was the team, not just me. I must be seen as a team player.
• It is for others to speak about it and celebrate. I shouldn’t draw attention to myself.

What we perhaps miss out on is the joy of celebration, acknowledging what made all of it possible, in oneself and the context, distilling the lessons, self-affirmation, nourishment / replenishment for the self, and learning to be one’s own ambassador / cheerleader.

Q. What are events / exchanges that left me feeling small about myself? The times I shrank, felt resourceless, inadequate, disapproved of or condemned—and could never own up or share…

In times such as these, we may have ended up putting on a bold, brave face. The unease and anxiety may have been palpable but contained. Lethal judgments and questions about worthiness—sometimes delivered, but other times, from the imagination, were demoralising. The shame could paralyse and trigger desperation. In anticipation of criticism, it may have become convenient to condemn oneself, to conceal and present a mask. We may have been operating from some of the following messages taken in by the self:

• Limitations and lacunae must be held at arm’s length or preferably kept out of sight. Safety and success lie in their concealment
• I must always be and appear strong.
• Others know more and are stronger. I am a dwarf amongst giants, or the naïve amongst the clever.
• One must always be self-reliant and self-sufficient. Seeking help is a sign of weakness.

What we may have missed out on is a realistic appraisal of capabilities and character, an acceptance of limitations. Acute embarrassment may have impaired the capacity and will to explore our standards, definitions of success and improvement opportunities.

Q. What are times when I felt that I deserved more or was unjustly passed over, when I felt aggrieved, angry, denied my due but didn’t share, own up or press my case?

In such times, we may have felt shocked and bitter, and wondered if we were valued. For some time, we may have seen no shortcomings in our competence and contributions and saw them perhaps more visibly in others around us. We may have felt shaken and questioned our judgment, wondered if we were naïve and whether we had any choice. Maybe we made peace by hanging on to these stances:

• I trust the system to be fair. Maybe I fell short. I could always do better, be better.
• Messiness of confrontation is undesirable. Will this pit me against colleagues? My relatedness must not be compromised.
• In a long career, a few blips are inconsequential.
• I must be grateful for what I have. There is no end to seeking. It is the source of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

What we may have missed out on was possibly asserting and standing up for ourself, actively assessing our own standards, norms and choices, and questioning the relevance of notions such as, ‘Thou shall not seek/demand for yourself’. We may also discover ways in which our idealism may have clouded perceptions of injustice and inequity on the ground, and how we pay a price through misguided silence and inaction.

Q. What are times I have felt pain, hurt, betrayed or shaken but haven’t shared or acknowledged it even to myself, and so have let it lie?

Oh yes, the times we trusted, only to realise that we didn’t verify or confirm. The times we held expectations that seemed normal and commonplace, and were let down. What of the times when we were accused or held responsible unjustifiably, and simply carried the hurt, thinking maybe that if things had moved so far as to need a defence, the battle for perceptions had already been lost? What made it hard to respond to them? Perhaps, beliefs such as,

• I don’t read the signs and signals right. The problem is with me.
• Bringing up all this is threatening, awkward; What if I am judged to be hyper-sensitive, touchy, naïve? I cannot allow that.
• Having expectations is the source of all hurt and disappointment.
• My pain and hurt is inconsequential, a sign of weakness. I must always be there for others and recognition will follow later.

What we missed out on were opportunities to negotiate expectations and boundaries, learning to build trust and intimacy, and humanise role-taking. Perhaps there is the opportunity to discover when to be a warrior and when to walk away, and also the consequences of being an unsung martyr or a burden-carrier.

The Opportunity

A crisis such as the ongoing pandemic is a crucible of opportunity. Among other things, organisations have ‘right-sized’. Some have opportunistically eased out people at leadership levels hoping for better chemistry and alignment with new hires. Amongst them might well be those who were instrumental in the system’s adaptation response to the pandemic, and now cast away.

For the employee cast away, ‘crisis as opportunity’ seems a cruel joke. Such a person’s predictable stream of earning dries up. Dreams and ambitions are put on hold or are being recast. However, for such a professional, intent on a fresh start and seeking a departure from the ways of the past that were unhelpful or self-limiting, self-reflection along the lines suggested above is critical to discover new insights and perspectives that could inform the next chapter in one’s life’s story.

Indeed, cracking the inner invisible code that rules one’s day at work and rewriting the script maybe the most significant investment one may make when time hangs heavy, and the next big break is still not in sight. If we don’t figure out what we must change within us, we are bound to enter the next arena none the wiser, be the same person without an updated operating system and risk being out of date, and out of sync with the challenges of a new context.

Image from pxhere.